My Book 1

Revelation 22

After waking from having a near-death type experience where you have let go and resigned yourself to leaving this world, there is anguish, confusion, peace, pain, and a strange overwhelming feeling of love or peace. Cathartic, liberating and certain. Like the vehicle that brings you both the understanding of the nature of feelings you had suppressed or been blind to, and the mess of all actions, words and feelings that could go along with it

I had a glowing peace. A calm happiness that felt like love. That made me see and act on my unprofessed love, in whatever limited capacity I had available to me to do at the time

Publically posted poems about a love I wouldn't name. That I hoped she would know were for her. Anonymous, like all my gifts to her initially

It liberated and blessed me in a sense. But in all my actions came the reaction, and within this it seems I was also cursed

The glowing peace and love that I felt that night when my band played at the Railway Club in Parap was shortly bled out of me through a mixture of the music, and the emotion I was carrying playing that night with everyone unaware that anything had even happened

I invited her to gig and put her name on the door and I don't know why, but I was sure she'd come

I sat in the carpark most of the night when we weren't playing. Not so much because of her, but the feeling/emotion I was wearing at the time

I had nothing much in me or that I could give at the time beyond wanting to sit quietly by myself. Whether or not she came, I had the stars keeping me company. And I was happy, or at least sated in what I felt

In weeks to months, when everything came to be the conclusion of opening my heart in mistake rather than the happy ending I had imagined or felt was coming, the irreverant of what sits opposite that glowing peace became very clear. For the most part

The world seemed to reject me. As she did

Reason seemed as irrelevance in my leprotic atunement to what seemed like everyone and everything in this world. Things against me for what seemed like no reason. People hating me for things I can't explain, and they refuse to. Gifts of love going unnoticed or disavowed in conscience? Who knows. As I said, reason seemed irrelevant without rational composure to link everything amounting to me feeling like the world hated me

Like it, and everyone in it, was literally out to get me, through sometimes impressive and impossible means, somewhat like what people often refer to as 'gang-stalking'

But I wasn't afraid of anything within it. Except for myself really

There was nothing they could do to scare me, or hurt me

What are they gonna do, kill me?

For what reason? I've done nothing to deserve it

I fear no man, except myself, lest baring guilt unchecked

And my conscience is clear. For the most part

A important part within all I am telling you, to anyone who would ever care to read this, or care in any real capacity whatsoever ....

Is the pain that goes unseen

The unnecessary thing within how we exist, who we are, and the way society has programmed us to be, that are the contest of life and societies function, through self-concern outweighing even some of the most simple decencies

A smile can change the world

Your smile might give a reason to live

You scorn may take it

---

I was as low as I usually was, sitting in the waiting area of a Government appointed employment agency in Casuarina. Going through the first of a series of self-imposed psychological examinations. More to prove to myself that I didn't need question my own sanity than to assess if I was crazy. The legitimacy of my psychosis lay within no charge of certainty being paid to anything, whilst remaining open to anything being possible. The fact you question everything without holding certainty to anything, even being crazy, means you are not crazy

The simplicity of knowing nothing as certain, is that anything is possible

Doesn't mean it is

But you can consider all options, even outside yourself

Which is what it seemed I was going through waiting in this waiting room

Miserable, but calm. Staring blankly at the posters on the wall. Wanting to go home and go to bed more than be anywhere. Around anyone. Doing anything

My love gone. Just like she was. Seemingly one in the same

But I was indifferent more than anything now. Just exist. See what happens without doing too much of anything

Don't love. Don't hate

Don't live. Don't die

Just exist

On this particular day a young woman walked in to the waiting room and walked up to the counter

She was pretty. Attractive body. Not the girl of my dreams, but she did make something inside of me smile for a second

Or possibly sigh?

There was no intention. Nor any real longing. Just a momentary happy thought from seeing a beautiful girl. Like a flower had stumbled momentarily into the thorn-bushes

A smile where it felt there shouldn't really be any reason to smile

When she eventually turned from the counter to walk back through the waiting area and leave I pulled my eyes up from the floor for a second and smiled at her with all the sincere sweetness I had in me

Somewhat saying "hi" but also maybe saying thanks. For reminding me there are pretty things in this world and making me happy when I hadn't expected anything pleasant

Her reaction was a scowl of disgust before shaking her head, existing as if she were at risk of catching something from me

This fucking devestated me

More than anything in the world at that time, I honestly gave her the best of me in that smile. There was no bad feeling in me before I gave it, regardless of not having much, if any, love left to give, and feeling as the world hated me. I felt as good as I could possibly feel given the circumstances. I'm not a bad person, so even being handed shit by everything in this world, I had no reason to feel bad about myself. I'm a good person. The sort who would still try give everything even if I had nothing. Without calculating it to myself, except to remind myself I'm a good guy, when I need it, because in all I give and all I have ever given, I rarely get as much, if anything given back

There must be a reason right? Am I a bad person? No

Then it's not worth worrying about. Just take a deep breath, take the shit and accept that some things are just as they are

That bad things can just happen sometimes to good people

Just like good things can just happen sometimes to the worst people

No matter what. No matter what the world thought. What my love thought. Or anyone in this world thought. I had no reason to feel like a bad person

So I would just swell in indifference to suit what life was throwing at me and hope for something better

Like a girl that made me happy for a moment that was worth mustering a smile for

She didn't just scowl at me like I was some creep as she walked out, she made me feel horrible for smiling at her

Something I would rarely do

She took away my ability to believe I was a good and decent guy for a moment, by making me feel like I had done something horrible or wrong, when I hadn't

She hurt me more than any other combination of people had done in a while, because I let her into that positive moment of happiness

When I shouldn't have

A smile, that could have honestly killed me

Mine

And it cost her nothing. Probably not even a second thought. Or even a memory of me smiling

Nothing can take a smile away like a smile itself it would seem

But for her. And for anyone out there who cares. It costs you nothing to be gentle with those around you. To be kind. Even if it feels negative to you

The person you scorn may not be slumped down to where you see them, they may be desperately trying to claw their way back up

I know there was probably a lot of sadness and other things lying beneath the surface when I looked at her

I could understand uneasy, but not loathesome

The ones smiling from the dark are most often the people who need one back in return the most

A simple gesture that costs nothing

Nothing!

But it can change the whole fucking world. Maybe not for you. Maybe not in any way you'll ever know or notice

But for someone. It could mean everything

I hate looking in peoples eyes now. Not through things that have happened in recent years, but through conditioning over all my years in this world

It always seems to feel like everyone wants to look into them

But nobody wants to see you

So should I learn to not smile at people either now? Or allow myself to smile when I see a pretty girl like I would a flower?

Walking out front of my home around this time. I noticed something across the road that put me into a similar situation

The bushes bursting through a fence across the road had produced one flower

A whole big green bush, and so-far, just one beautiful purple flower

Enough to make me walk across the road to look at it

Admiring it's view. But also collectively disgusted by wanting to cross the road to see it's beauty. Or let it make me feel happy

So I picked it

Walked over to the road, put it underneath my boot and destroyed it with impunity. As if making a point

Dragging my foot back and forth over the bitchamen to ensure nothing was left of it

Then I got in my car

And I cried

But, also felt strangely vindicated in myself

That I hadn't let the lure of beauty hurt me

Any more than I could hurt myself, by destroying it

I love flowers

I just wish there were at least one that bloomed just for me

Or could at least give me the smile I had taken, back

Samuel Korn 

0455155980

On the contrary

There are moments that remind you that all hope is not gone. And that there might be something truly beautiful left in this world, worth loving

Driving home, hot and bothered, I needed to stop at a set of lights while waiting to turn, to allow a junior highschool girl to ride her bike across the intersection

The bike was much too big for her and she seemed to be falling off each side of it to reach the ground with one of her feet as much as she was peddling

So it was a slow process

But I had nowhere to be, so I paitently waited

And in all her struggles and limited success to slowly cross the road I began to understand how comical she was

And how beautiful it was that in all her clumsiness she didn't seem to get frustated or unhappy even for a second

In fact she a big smile on her face like she was the happiest girl to have ever ridden a bike

Maybe she'd just got it? Who knows

The point is, that in all my indifferent patience I was now smiling and laughing at her as she made it to the island in the middle of the road, so that I could turn

And as she did, she turned around and gave me the biggest smile, as if she was thanking me for being patient with her

A smile that cost nothing

But made someone day

----

When I met my love, she was the clumsy chick on a bike, smiling, that seemed to love her world so much, just because .... and it stole my heart .... 

She felt what I had long ago lost

Something beautiful. Something worth protecting. Something worth love

A true love

But then ....

One day, her arms were crossed, smile replaced by pencive looks of deep thought

And she was the girl with the scorn

I wanna know where she went. What happened

But she's seen so many of my flowers dying on the floor, that I keep the only one I've got left for her now

A smile no scorn could take, even my loves very own. Because it's a smile that will never be offered to anyone, if not to her

And one that can only ever be her. Only her

And one I'll only ever give to her if/when she's given me hers as my wife

Till then I stagnate existence in my whim of discontent. The measure of my own uncertainty covering worlds. By necessity to be more for her, without wanting to be anyone

Just exist

Maybe tomorrow?

Just exist

Maybe tomorrow?

---

- "There is nothing more beautiful in this world than a positive smile from a one-eyed man .... trying to give cheer to those with two"

Sam Korn

0455155980